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October 2009 
What keeps us from sharing our sorrow?
Posted on Oct 16th, 2008
by 
Hollyr
Hollyr
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for October 16, 2008:
I am always dumbfounded when people say "Smile" in the face of tears. I am not one to hold back my feelings, but i do not always -- wait, I may even say, rarely, do i find some one who will just listen and let me greive. When someone just tosses off a "smile" or "cheer up," it is as if to say, you sorrow is getting in the way of my good day, so cut it out.
On the other hand, it is good to be aware of, and avoid, "societies of sorrow." some groups trade on sorrow -- like that disfunctional coffee clutch or a misguided 12 steppers, and they reward the individual with the biggest sob story.
All in all, there needs to be some kind of balance. If someone shares their sorrow with you, don't try to 'fix" it, don't try to top it, just listen and care!
On the other hand, it is good to be aware of, and avoid, "societies of sorrow." some groups trade on sorrow -- like that disfunctional coffee clutch or a misguided 12 steppers, and they reward the individual with the biggest sob story.
All in all, there needs to be some kind of balance. If someone shares their sorrow with you, don't try to 'fix" it, don't try to top it, just listen and care!
Access: Public
“If someone shares their sorrow with you, don't try to 'fix” it, don't try to top it, just listen and care!”
Wise words indeed. I come from a family where my Mom gets a lot of personal validation out of being “the rescuer.” The trouble is, when one is busy trying to “fix” things, they generally aren't listening - that's too painful, that's why they focus on the “fixing” part.
Now, as my own children make the transistion from childhood to adulthood, I am trying to break that mould and do for them what I'd wished my Mom could have done for me - “listen and care.”
easier said than done, I am afraid! I always sound so wise on paper, but it's not really that easy to do – but I think you hit it – when you have had that experience yourself, you can reign it in a little!
Hi Hollyr,
How true that “fixing things” for people is not what we need. The greatest gift we can give people is a heart that really hears and validates whatever is going on with others. Also, true – hard to do.
I was one of those mothers, I think, who didn't know how to really listen and wanted to fix things for my kids. Wish I could have known, but I do now and I try to use my new found wisdom when I can.
Thanks for your wonderful blog.